happy/sad

I know I have written about this often before, here and in emails or letters.

Happy/sad.

That strange contradiction that my life has become. I don't think some people get it, the new found ability to be really happy and really sad at the same time. I am sure I did it before Alice died but, my life didn't call for it often.


Some people get this happy/sad thing and others tip toe around. Like when new babies are born or when women are pregnant. Yes I am so happy for them and yes, at the same time I am sad for me. All at the same time. I can be happy. Babies and pregnancies are things to be happy about. But for me and for all of you reading this, babies and pregnancies are also things to be sad about, sad beyond imagination. For my dear, sweet friends that are now pregnant, I know you understand this. See we are always happy and sad. Happy doesn't take away all the sad and sad never takes away all the happy. Even on the darkest days, there are still many things that I have to be happy about.


And when I thought that this journey was hard enough, little hurdles keep cropping up. Some hurdles I don't really want to go into here because I know that people will fuss and bother. Although I do happy/sad well, I don't cope with fuss and bother. I really don't.

some days

Some days I can see a baby or a pregnant woman and not feel sad.
And some days when I see baby or a pregnant woman I want to scream and yell and cry.

There are days when I want to tell everyone I see that I do, in fact, have 2 daughters.
And there are days when I don't want to ever have to explain why there I only have one daughter with me.

There are times when I can think about Alice without crying.
There are times when I try not to think about Alice because I am already crying too much.

Some days I can't believe that Alice died last year and that soon, it will be 1 year since her birth and death. Other days I am in that room, that room of life and death, watching Alice take her first and her last few little breaths.

Most days I wonder how cruel life can be. How cruel it has been to so many of us. How cruel it continues to be.

I wonder how I got here. Without Alice. With another pregnancy eluding us. Each month that passes, the arrival of another reminder that life is cruel.

Some days I wonder how we all keep moving forward.

And some days I smile. Some days with joy and I think some days with insanity. But its a smile.

Shirley

My husband's Nana died on Tuesday. She was Minnie's (little) Big Nana, my Shirley and Mummy to her daughters. She had been a wife. She was a friend to everyone. She was a nurse and a teacher. She was a delight. She was wonderful company. She was funny and smart and nothing got past her. She loved candied ginger. She was not a big fan of chocolate. She was sweet and genuine and entertaining. She hated cooking, She didn't drive. She had travelled the world. She was well read. She knitted a little. She loved tea. She loved crime fiction and hated romance novels. She loved the Impressionists and a good film.

She will be missed by everyone for ever.

9 months

Yesterday Minnie was telling me about a story that they were discussing at pre-school. It was about a little fairy named Alice. Alice wanted to be a permanent fairy, not a part time fairy. She didn't know how to fly but becoming a permanent fairy meant she would learn.

Little Alice would learn how to fly.

I think, perhaps in the world of a 3 year old's and magic and fairies, that is what happened 9 months ago...

perfect

From a beautiful friend on the other side of the world. Thank you. Just perfect.

meet...

Molly. Molly is our puppy, a giant lumbering 20 week old Golden Retriever puppy. Inspired by meeting Buddy, I thought I would introduce her to you all.

Although I had wanted another dog for many years (my darling Tippy died when I was 18), the journey to find Molly really began the day Alice died. I came home from hospital with an overwhelming need to have another baby. Right then. That minute. I spent hours on the computer that night reading stories of other baby lost mama's and crying. Crying and trying to breath.

Late in the night, my wandering mind led me to thinking about a dog. Some how I ended up at a Golden Retriever breeders website looking at her beautiful dogs. We had decided years ago that we would one day get a Golden Retriever - the lovable family dog. I wrote to the breeder and asked about puppies. The breeder replied the next day stating that her dog Katie ('Button's and Bows') was planning to have puppies in the following January. I almost fell over when I read that the dog was called 'Buttons'. Like it was meant to be. In my hysterical state, I told the breeder the story of our Alice Buttons. In turn she told me about her baby that died at 17 weeks. 15 years ago. And she told me she knew how I was feeling. And she really did. Not like the people telling you they know how you feel when you know they have no idea.

So we kept in contact. She often wrote to ask how I was doing. And she wrote to tell me that her son's friend lost her baby. Her precious baby died at 21 weeks. They were devastated. And we knew how she felt...

Molly was born after a difficult birth. I fell in love when we got the first photo. She can to live with us in March. A handful. But a delight.

Of course she is not a baby. Nothing can ever replace Alice. Not a hundred puppies or a hundred babies.

But she makes us smile as she steals the 10th shoe or another pair of knickers. As she runs off with the loaf of bread or as she offers up her warm tummy for a rub.

the things that are said

When a baby dies we know that people say the oddest things. Sometimes with good intention and mostly without thinking.

Of all the things that have been said to us, I wonder why people say how sorry they are about Alice's death and then follow it with something along the lines of 'there will be plenty more babies for you one day.'

Will there?

I wonder?

Would you say to your friend on hearing of the death of her husband 'there will be another husband for you one day.' Or when one of your best friends dies would you say to her fiancee, as you stand there outside her now silent ICU room, 'there will be other fiancee one day...'

I don't think you would. Correction, I know you wouldn't because you now know what to say when some one dies. I guess that's one 'good' thing that has come out of this mess.

People die all the time. Its not a new thing. Its a terribly sad thing. It will happen to us all. But why are people still so crap at dealing with it? I know its scary. I know its devastating. But I can talk about it. And I will and I do.

Perhaps if only we talked about it a bit more, people would know what to say. And more importantly, what not to say.