Thursday, July 2, 2009

some days

Some days I can see a baby or a pregnant woman and not feel sad.
And some days when I see baby or a pregnant woman I want to scream and yell and cry.

There are days when I want to tell everyone I see that I do, in fact, have 2 daughters.
And there are days when I don't want to ever have to explain why there I only have one daughter with me.

There are times when I can think about Alice without crying.
There are times when I try not to think about Alice because I am already crying too much.

Some days I can't believe that Alice died last year and that soon, it will be 1 year since her birth and death. Other days I am in that room, that room of life and death, watching Alice take her first and her last few little breaths.

Most days I wonder how cruel life can be. How cruel it has been to so many of us. How cruel it continues to be.

I wonder how I got here. Without Alice. With another pregnancy eluding us. Each month that passes, the arrival of another reminder that life is cruel.

Some days I wonder how we all keep moving forward.

And some days I smile. Some days with joy and I think some days with insanity. But its a smile.


Hope's Mama said...

Whatever happens Rach, I'll be here for you.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe Alice Buttons isn't here either - I so wish she were. Much love.

JasperBoy said...

Hi Rach,

I saw you commenting on another blog the other day, congratulating them on their new baby.

I just thought of you. I just thought how hard. I just thought that that must hurt. I just thought.....

I may not be able to understand, but I do notice that you are there; there being "happy" for someone when you musn't always be feeling so "happy" for yourself.

Sorry if these are the wrong words, but I just wanted to leave some words.

Jen in Melbourne

Barbara said...

Right here with you Rach.


ezra'smommy said...

Its the contrasts that are so difficult, our own sadness even while we're able to find happiness for others. I wish Alice Buttons were in your arms where she belongs.

tiff said...

Hugs, Rach.

Somedays are very hard.

Poppy and Mei said...


Lea said...

Hi Rach,

I made some Angel Wings for Alice. Please check out my blog. If you would like a copy sent to you via email or regular mail, please let me know.


Paige said...

Exactly, to each thing you've written here. Much love to you, Rach.

Anonymous said...

I'm certainly at that stage... everyone around me seems to be pregnant at the moment. I always give my biggest congratulations... honestly... I'm really happy for them. BUT, it's a bitter sweet thing to go through... they are travelling down a road I have failed at... and it's a big reminder of what I have lost. I can't imagine for you what your last year has been like. Sorry I haven't replied to your email yet.. I've been a bit vacant!

gold fawn said...

i wish you had Alice with you. I am hugging my girl extra tight after reading this.
just wanted to send you hugs and hope across many oceans. love.