Thursday, May 14, 2009

the things that are said

When a baby dies we know that people say the oddest things. Sometimes with good intention and mostly without thinking.

Of all the things that have been said to us, I wonder why people say how sorry they are about Alice's death and then follow it with something along the lines of 'there will be plenty more babies for you one day.'

Will there?

I wonder?

Would you say to your friend on hearing of the death of her husband 'there will be another husband for you one day.' Or when one of your best friends dies would you say to her fiancee, as you stand there outside her now silent ICU room, 'there will be other fiancee one day...'

I don't think you would. Correction, I know you wouldn't because you now know what to say when some one dies. I guess that's one 'good' thing that has come out of this mess.

People die all the time. Its not a new thing. Its a terribly sad thing. It will happen to us all. But why are people still so crap at dealing with it? I know its scary. I know its devastating. But I can talk about it. And I will and I do.

Perhaps if only we talked about it a bit more, people would know what to say. And more importantly, what not to say.


ezra'smommy said...

Oh Rach, you are so right.I tend to snarkily respond something along the lines of 'but not that one" or "they won't be Ezra". Sending love and hugs

angie said...

That one really makes me rage. I like that response, Sarah. I usually say, "Well, we aren't sure we are having more babies. We wanted two girl, and we birthed two girls."

I totally agree, Rach, there need to be some honest conversations about talking about babyloss. People are so clueless. Much love. XO

Barbara said...

You're right Rach, we are useless at talking about death and particularly the death of a baby.

"At least you know you can conceive" was one of the most useless comments I remember.


Lea said...

Hi Rach - yep, I have heard some ridiculous one's too. I remember a neighbour (who used to be a good friend) started comparing our situation with the death of her dog..... crazy!! Needless to say, I don't bother with her too much anymore.

Strength to you.

Anonymous said...

Yup, people are morons. I usually say you don't know that, and I'm mourning the loss of this son who meant the world to me. It's hard enough mourning and then we have to educate people on grief as well. So frustrating. I also had a "I know how you feel, when my dog died..." comparison.

About Me said...

You are so so very is it that we (collective society we) are so unequipped to handle conversations about death. I mean, do we need an Oprah show to get everyone educated? (I say that in jest of course)

The worst we heard was 'at least you got to name her', huh?

I'm new to your blog, I'm so very sorry that Alice isn't here with you and we had to meet like this. We should be meeting to celebrate our daughters who are the same age. My daughter, Rose, is Alice's due date sister. Rose was also due 1/28. Rose died 1/16, and was born 1/18.

How are you doing these days, now that the '1 year' dates are approaching? Conception, finding out you were expecting, first appts....I feel like these are going to be a hard few months as I remember the hopefulness of a year ago.

with love,

Hope's Mama said...

yes, yes and yes. I was at the funeral of my 90 year old grandfather yesterday and people say the dumbest things. he was 90 and lived a long full life. yesterday was a celebration of the great man he was. but people still put their foot in it. and all people want to know of me is "so, you working again yet?" translation: so you over this dead baby thing yet?

Paige said...

Yep, we're so crap at dealing with death, and I hate how it makes people spew all kinds of unhelpful things, if not hurtful. And too many excuses made for people who "simply don't know what to say". As Angie has said before, people need to figure it out. Much love to you Rach. xo

tiff said...


You are so right. We have heard them all in the last five years.
From, at least you can have another, to it was God's way of telling you enough kids, right up to if Will hadn't have died you would never had Ivy and Noah and at least you have other kids.

It all sucks. People who haven't been there, just don't cope well.

Poppy and Mei said...

Yep, people can be crap...XXxx