Friday, January 30, 2009


Alice's due date was this week. 28th January.

I also miscarried a little baby at the end of January last year.

Minnie had her first day away from me at pre-school on 28th January.

This has not been an easy week.

So I cried and felt lonely and thought about all my babies that day. I drove and cried and busted a tyre on the gutter. So I sat and waited for the road side assist people and didn't cry so much. I came home and did housework like a whirlwind so I didn't have too much time to think.

Some beautiful friends sent flowers that I didn't expect. Flowers to remember Alice.

I should not be on this computer writing and reading. I should never have met you all. We should never have met each other. We should be doing very different things.

When Alice was born and died my dearest friend sent flowers and a card that said 'Sometimes life is Shit.'

She was right.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I knew this month would be bad. Of course is would. But once upon a time in a land far away January was going to be a wonderful month. It would have been the last few weeks of my pregnancy - I would have been big and round and hot and bothered. I would have spent a lot of time floating in the sea or the pool and sitting on the veranda in the sea breeze.

But you don't always get what you want. The Rolling Stones where right. You certainly don't.

I have a lot to write and I have nothing to write. I am not sure where I am with this. I am finding it hard to put down what I want. I am living in a parallel universe here. One blog is happy and shiny and the other blog is sad. So I think I will write here when I feel I can. I will visit you all often and email and post comments. I am not going. I need you all too much for that.

So January. I don't think it will ever be the same. My eldest daughter turned 3 on the 4th January and my other daughter, my baby, should have been born on the 28th. The month with a happy beginning and a sad end. That's how it goes. Happy and Sad.

I wonder if there will be some more happy?

Thursday, January 1, 2009

back home...

We are back. I am happy that we are back here. The weather is lovely and somehow this makes me feel that this new year ahead will be a good one. A good one for all of us. With good things to look forward to and good things to celebrate. I know there will be happiness for all of us, in same way, whatever way that may be. Happiness and sadness at the same time. I guess this is how things will be for a long, long time.

Things went well. Not much talk about Alice. And sometimes I like that. I like to keep her for myself. Of course I want people to think of her and how sad her death is but sometimes I like to keep her all to myself - she is mine and sometimes I am like a spoiled child and I don't want to share her. Odd, I know. But that's how it is.

And sometimes I want to share her and sing her name from the roof tops. But that is for me to decide. I don't like being forced to talk about how I feel.

I thought about Alice as I watched Minnie play with her cousins and felt sad that Alice will never get to play with them. She wont get to play at my childhood home in the country. She won't get to sneak to the enormous gardens and pick raspberries and strawberries hot from the sun.

I am not religious or overly spiritual but you know, I think somewhere Alice will be with her new friends. Her most special friends that I can't meet, not until one day in the distant future... She will be with Ezra and Hope and Sam and George and Douglas and William and Ciaran and all the other babies that couldn't stay here.

I see their photos and hear their stories and feel their mothers pain and grief and anguish. They don't have their Mama's but I am sure they have each other.

I wish you all much love in 2009 and I am thankful that we have each other too...