Thursday, April 30, 2009

waiting and wishing...

Autumn is here. Cool nights and sunny afternoons. The leaves are starting to turn and fall from the peach tree. We are waiting in suspense to see the leaves on the Japanese maple become golden and orange and red. Waiting to see what grows and changes in this garden at the Blue House.

These days we always seem to be waiting for something. Waiting for anniversaries. Waiting to feel happier. Waiting for some one to say the right thing. Waiting for my husband to come home from his many trips abroad. Waiting for people to finally say how sorry they are that this has happened. Waiting to stop being so angry at people who have said nothing, not one word about Alice dying.

Wishing for all to be right in the world.

Minnie and I were playing in the garden a couple of days ago. Just mucking about with the puppy and doing some digging in the flower beds. Enjoying the afternoon. She stopped playing and said 'Mummy, I wish for Alice Buttons to come back.'

So do I.

Friday, April 10, 2009

nothing to say...

I guess I am feeling like I have nothing to say. For the moment. Of course I have things to say but maybe just not the words to put down here.

I know that this blog is about this part of my life, the grieving, lonely and so desperately sad part of my life. But, like you all I have another part too. The part in which I smile and laugh and sometimes have a glass of wine. And I have a big part in which I have a 3 year old who loves to talk about the anatomy of the ear, the skeletal system and who this week will not dress in anything appropriate for the weather. In this other life we have a 12 week old Golden Retriever puppy. But, I know that this place is not about that.

So for a while I think I need to be in that other part of my life. I will still be around, here for my dear friends and reading your blogs. Sometimes writing about my sweet Alice. I will be here hoping that the lost mama will email back and tell me how she is.

Once you are in this club or community or 'family',' the one that no-one ever wanted to join, you are in it for life. I know that we are all here, for each other, for the long haul. For all the days. For all the crap bits that have been and for all the great bits to come.