Friday, July 24, 2009


I know I have written about this often before, here and in emails or letters.


That strange contradiction that my life has become. I don't think some people get it, the new found ability to be really happy and really sad at the same time. I am sure I did it before Alice died but, my life didn't call for it often.

Some people get this happy/sad thing and others tip toe around. Like when new babies are born or when women are pregnant. Yes I am so happy for them and yes, at the same time I am sad for me. All at the same time. I can be happy. Babies and pregnancies are things to be happy about. But for me and for all of you reading this, babies and pregnancies are also things to be sad about, sad beyond imagination. For my dear, sweet friends that are now pregnant, I know you understand this. See we are always happy and sad. Happy doesn't take away all the sad and sad never takes away all the happy. Even on the darkest days, there are still many things that I have to be happy about.

And when I thought that this journey was hard enough, little hurdles keep cropping up. Some hurdles I don't really want to go into here because I know that people will fuss and bother. Although I do happy/sad well, I don't cope with fuss and bother. I really don't.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

some days

Some days I can see a baby or a pregnant woman and not feel sad.
And some days when I see baby or a pregnant woman I want to scream and yell and cry.

There are days when I want to tell everyone I see that I do, in fact, have 2 daughters.
And there are days when I don't want to ever have to explain why there I only have one daughter with me.

There are times when I can think about Alice without crying.
There are times when I try not to think about Alice because I am already crying too much.

Some days I can't believe that Alice died last year and that soon, it will be 1 year since her birth and death. Other days I am in that room, that room of life and death, watching Alice take her first and her last few little breaths.

Most days I wonder how cruel life can be. How cruel it has been to so many of us. How cruel it continues to be.

I wonder how I got here. Without Alice. With another pregnancy eluding us. Each month that passes, the arrival of another reminder that life is cruel.

Some days I wonder how we all keep moving forward.

And some days I smile. Some days with joy and I think some days with insanity. But its a smile.