Our Ezra

I know we are all thinking of Sarah and David today - holding them close and wishing that today was a very different day. I know we are thinking of that beautiful little boy Ezra with that smile on his face. And I know that we feel that horrible feeling in the pit of our stomachs and deep in our hearts when we think about what happened.

I know that Sarah knows that we are thinking of her. I know that somehow all the warm thoughts and sad thoughts and feelings of support and strength are floating around the world, wrapping around her and holding her tight.

I found Sarah a little while after Alice died. She has been truly wonderful. She is sweet and generous and kind and I wish that we had meet under very different circumstances. Perhaps sitting next to each other on a flight one day (I used to fly a lot in the US) ? Or when she decided to holiday in NSW? Who knows. I suppose the way we met has meant that we bypassed the chit chat and the getting to know you stuff and we talk about things that I would never say to my mother or my sister. It means I can write things to her that I know so few people in the 'other' world will ever understand.

I wish Sarah and David all the strength and love in the world.



xxx

little girl Hope

It was Hope's first birthday last week.

The anniversary of her birth and death. 2 words that never should be in the same sentence - birth and death.

We all thought of Hope and her wonderful parents and this terrible loss. But, I also thought of the support and kindness that Sally has shown me over this past, long, long, almost year.

I found Sally's blog after reading her comments at Glow in the Woods. I guess I stalked her a little, trying to find if she too had a blog. I had been reading the blogs of many people in other countries and felt I needed someone closer to home, someone physically near me in this awful journey. And I found her and her blog. So beautifully written, so tragic and so deeply moving.

I think of her little girl and I think of my little girl. Two sweet girls that don't get to grow up and make the world a better place. Two sweet babies that never got the chance. Like all our babies. If only the story had been different.

the days disapear

I have been feeling like that days are going so fast, disappearing before my eyes. It feels like it is always the weekend again and I am not sure where the week went. I have even started to feel panicked about it, like I am losing my control over time.


I was telling my friend, who is a true friend, and she said that when she has a deadline (she is a writer and editor) or when something is approaching, she feels like that too. It took me a minute but then I realised that something is approaching. Of course I had not forgotten, I think about it all the time. But I think though I had forgotten how losing Alice Buttons effects my subconscious, my dreams and my everyday.


I may not talk about Alice all the time, or write about her all the time but, she is the person that effects my day, my thinking, my dreams and my time.

dark corners

11 months ago things were all going pretty well. We had signed the contracts on our new house, our baby was growing well, our Minnie was a bubbly 2 1/2 year old, entertaining us with her antics. You never know what is just around the corner, do you? You don't know what is there, waiting to show itself.

There are always these things, just around the corner, dark things waiting to crawl out and consume you whole. Last week the most evil of dark things crept out in a place close to my heart. In my little country home town an old school friend was found murdered. His family have been our family friends since before we were all born and our sisters are still good friends. He was a well loved man, quiet, devoted father, and a wonderful son. At this stage their are no answers for his family about why this happened. When I first heard the news, I didn't know he had been murdered - I just knew he had died. I was deeply sad that someone my age, someone with a little girl, had died.

Then I thought about his mother. His sweet mother who nursed him as a baby, loved and cherished him, was now with out him in such a brutal, terrifying way. Her life will never be the same.

Those things lurking in dark corners are never far away...

8th August

I remember the 8th August, 2008. I was about 16 weeks pregnant with Alice. Happy that I no longer felt ill and that I had some energy back. So pleased I was past the 'scary' 12 weeks. Organising the purchase of our house. Counting down the days to spring and summer and until our baby was here. I remember that the Olympics were starting that night and I know I fell asleep well before they were on.

What I didn't know was that on the day some one's life was being changed forever. As I went throughout the day I had no idea that Monique, thousands of miles away, was giving birth to her beautiful son. Her beautiful son Samuel that had died. I had no idea of the pain and suffering and immense loss that Monique and Norm were going through on this day.

I found Monique not long after Alice had died. I read and cried. I still read and cry. I needed to be close to other women that knew how I felt and understood me. I needed them so I didn't feel so alone.

The way Monique writes about her Sam and her life and her loss resonates with me. I missed her when she was away and I was pleased when she returned. I thank her for being so honest and raw and for being a true friend from the other side of the world. I thank her for remembering Alice.

I wish that we had never met.

But now that we have, I will always be here.

august

For so many of my friends in this community, August is a month that they will never forget.

For me August means that September is almost here. For then it will mean that 12 months have passed. 12 months since our lives changed for ever.

And they have changed.

Changed from the course it should have taken. We should have a 7 month old baby girl named Alice. A little sister for Minnie. Rosie, chubby cheeks covered in apples or prunes or pureed carrot. A big gummy smile. We would be happy that our family was complete. But, that's not the way it is. And that's not the way it can ever be.

And we keep on mourning what could have been, what should have been and what never will be.