I am lucky to have a daughter - an almost 3 year old daughter. I know that most of my new friends who have lost babies lost their first child. I know that loosing a baby is devastating but imagine that loosing your first is the end of the world. I just wanted to acknowledge that.
This year has been a bad year, a bad year for babies. I had a miscarriage at the end of January. I was about 7 - 8 weeks pregnant. It was sad. We waited for a few months and then I was pregnant again. Excited, nervous, cautious. I love being pregnant and with Minnie I had a glorious tummy and loved every second of it. With Alice it was no different. I started to show early and was in maternity trousers by 12 weeks. Part of me was always worried though - I had some early bleeding and after the miscarriage, I always thought the worst. I was anxious about the 12 weeks scan. We got to see our baby and I relaxed a little. But there was a problem - they told me that the nuchal measurement was high and coupled with my age, it wasn't great. I spent the night worried, thinking the worst, wishing for the best. The next day I spoke to my OB - all was fine as the blood tests showed nothing to worry about. I have never felt so relieved and happy and excited. Now we told our family and friends about Buttons.
The next 8 weeks went smoothly - growing tummy, moving baby and a very interested toddler. Minnie talked about Buttons a lot and we got some lovely books about babies. She patted my tummy and talked to the baby. My husband travels overseas a lot for work just got back before the 19/20 week scan. Again I was nervous - I am a worrier. I was so relieved to see her on the scan (not that we knew she was a she). But that relief didn't last long.
The next few days are not days I want to think about too much. Then I was in labour. Giving birth to to a baby that would die. A baby that was too small and too sick to survive.
When Alice was born and died we had someone little to come home to. Someone that had never met the baby sister that she had. We had to explain about life and death to a 2 year old. We had to talk about it often and at length, whenever she asked. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But I had some one's little arms to hug me. I am lucky, I know.
I hope that one day you have some little arms to hug you.