Monday, December 22, 2008

away...

I am about to fly out to spend the holidays with my family. I don't want to go. I don't care about the celebration of the birth of Jesus. I don't care about it at all.

I don't want to see those people who couldn't find the balls to call me and say how shitty life has been. I don't want to sit and smile and eat and talk crap.

But I have to go. I have to go for my daughter that's here with us. I have to enjoy it for her. I have to smile and sing and pretend that its the most exciting time of the year. You see I have to do a lot of pretending these days. Of course we are sad in front of Minnie but sometimes I have to pretend that I am happy to be out of bed and happy to be at the park and happy to be hanging out with all those other mum's and babies.

I don't want to go because for the first time, I will be away from our little Alice. Away from her little box of treasures and away from her little urn. I am already anxious about it.

Fuck.

I am not in a good mood today, just in case you hadn't picked that up...

Fuck.

9 comments:

Barbara said...

Couldn't you take Alice with you?

Hope's Mama said...

I like to say Fuck a lot, too. I think it helps. Thinking of you and Alice over Christmas xo

ezra'smommy said...

I'm so with you in the lack of holiday spirit - I wish I could go to sleep and wake up after New Years. But do know that Alice will be with you for the holidays even if the physical reminders of her are not. Perhaps you could incorporate something into the "celebration" as a reminder of her?

Miss K said...

Thank you for posting a comment to my blog. I have read through yours and I must say I think your a strong and amazing women. I'm not sure what to say as I can't even begin to imagine the heartache you must be going through, I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you, Alice and your family over this time of year.

Monique said...

Yup - feels like we should cancel the holidays. You're a good mom and as Sarah said, Alice is with you even though the physical reminders are not. Thinking of you both.

Poppy and Mei said...

Yep, take her with you babe...XXxx

tiggy said...

Hugs Rach,

Hope your time away has been okay.
I hated that first Christmas so much and even now, I get shitty.
We lit a candle for Alice on Christmas Eve.

Thinking of you.

Starlight said...

Hello, I'm new to your blog. I'm so sorry about Alice, what a beautiful name ~Alice Buttons~.
Thank you for sharing. I had a son both early too, 8 yrs ago I gave birth to Zachary. Time does make this pain better, just less sharp, but you will always have her in you and with you. I like what Barbara said, could you take her or her treasures with you? I have butterflies and these little soft pocket hearts I took everywhere. Plus I made just about every piece of jewelry I could find and had his name/date put in it. Anyway, fuck seems to be the only thing that feels or sounds right. I hope you are feeling better. I'm here for you, although a stranger, I share something very few can relate to, just us girls who have experienced it. I'm sending you a hug. Lisa in WA state

Jackie said...

Fuck. Fuck Christmas.