Thursday, December 11, 2008

3 months...

I am not really sure what to say. I am not really sure what I want to write. 3 months. Sometimes it seems like yesterday that I was in Room 5, waiting to deliver a baby that would die.

We knew that Alice would die - her problems were insurmountable. I don't believe in God or the power of prayer. There was no-one, present or not that could help our baby. The labour and delivery was fast and very painful and I don't want to remember much of it.

But what I will never forget is that beautiful face. That little top lip that I see everyday in her big sister. I catch Minnie's profile and my heart seems to pause a little when I see that lip.

I wont ever forget holding her all night, watching her taking those last tiny breaths.

In time I hope that I wont feel so lost and empty and helpless.

I have kept Alice's ashes as when I die, I want her back with me. Where she has been. And where she always will be.

6 comments:

ezra'smommy said...

Sending you love and hugs on this sad anniversary. Alice is always with you, especially today. Having recently gotten beyond my own 3 month anniversary of losing Ezra, I know the numbness you are feeling. Be gentle with yourself this week...I found the significance hit me harder in the days after the anniversaries of his death & birth.

Hope's Mama said...

thinking of you and sweet alice today. my hope is buried, and the plot is for three, so eventually my husband and i will both be buried with her. that brings me some peace. and with any luck, it will be my chidren burying me. i am done burying children xoxo

Monique said...

Three months is such a short time; be gentle with yourself.

Barbara said...

Can I just agree with what everyone else has said.

Alice is always with you.
xxx

Poppy and Mei said...

I've been thinking about you all day...now I know why.
I'm so glad Alice was alive in your arms, even if just for a moment. She died in the warmth of your love...& now I just don't know what to say... except I care how you're feeling & I'm sending you strength...XXxx

Jackie said...

Oh, Rach. xox
I wish I could say something wise. I wish I could take the pain away.