Thursday, December 11, 2008

3 months...

I am not really sure what to say. I am not really sure what I want to write. 3 months. Sometimes it seems like yesterday that I was in Room 5, waiting to deliver a baby that would die.

We knew that Alice would die - her problems were insurmountable. I don't believe in God or the power of prayer. There was no-one, present or not that could help our baby. The labour and delivery was fast and very painful and I don't want to remember much of it.

But what I will never forget is that beautiful face. That little top lip that I see everyday in her big sister. I catch Minnie's profile and my heart seems to pause a little when I see that lip.

I wont ever forget holding her all night, watching her taking those last tiny breaths.

In time I hope that I wont feel so lost and empty and helpless.

I have kept Alice's ashes as when I die, I want her back with me. Where she has been. And where she always will be.


ezra'smommy said...

Sending you love and hugs on this sad anniversary. Alice is always with you, especially today. Having recently gotten beyond my own 3 month anniversary of losing Ezra, I know the numbness you are feeling. Be gentle with yourself this week...I found the significance hit me harder in the days after the anniversaries of his death & birth.

Hope's Mama said...

thinking of you and sweet alice today. my hope is buried, and the plot is for three, so eventually my husband and i will both be buried with her. that brings me some peace. and with any luck, it will be my chidren burying me. i am done burying children xoxo

Anonymous said...

Three months is such a short time; be gentle with yourself.

Barbara said...

Can I just agree with what everyone else has said.

Alice is always with you.

Poppy and Mei said...

I've been thinking about you all I know why.
I'm so glad Alice was alive in your arms, even if just for a moment. She died in the warmth of your love...& now I just don't know what to say... except I care how you're feeling & I'm sending you strength...XXxx

Jackie said...

Oh, Rach. xox
I wish I could say something wise. I wish I could take the pain away.