Sunday, September 13, 2009

the end

I have come to the end of this blog. I think. I think that I have nothing more to say here. I have struggled with it of late as I really feel I can't write what I think or feel. There seem to be many things that I shouldn't say in fear of upsetting someone or saying the wrong thing.

Sometimes I feel isolated from this community, for many reasons. Sometimes it is too hard to be here. And while its to hard talk about Alice to people in the real world, sometimes its too hard to talk about all my children here in this community.

I will be always a bit different now. Forever changed. Holding your baby while she takes a tiny, gentle breaths in your arms and dies a few hours later will do that.

During this year, I have got to find out how badly people handle the death of a baby. How families and friends forget anniversaries. The days passing without a word. Nothing. I didn't want in depth phone calls or essays but, an sms or a card would have been enough. Or an email or a message. That would have meant something. I guess that in a few years, only a handful of people will remember Alice Buttons. And I shouldn't expect that they will remember her - their worlds didn't stop when she was born and died. She was their lunch time conversation or a pitying chat over coffee. To us she is our daughter, the one that didn't get the chance to grow and love and live. The daughter that will always be a tiny baby that died in my arms.

But during this year, I have got to find a whole community of women and men that have also had their hearts ripped from their chests and shoved back in, with big parts missing. I thank you all for your support and kindness over the last year. I will follow your journeys and hope that we all get a happy ending, one day.

I may be back. I may not. But thank you for being here with me.


Hope's Mama said...

Oh Rach, I'm so sorry to learn this space is closing. But I hope our friendship can endure. We have each other's numbers now and I'm always here if you want to talk about your Alice Buttons. I know I wont forget her.

bir said...

I'm sorry too Rach... Alice Buttons will always be in my heart... you have journeyed with me, your loss just a few short weeks before my own xxx

tiff(threeringcircus) said...


Ijust came by to let you know that I am thinking of you. It was a year ago today that you emailed me about sweet Alice and I felt so sad for you, so lost. I didn't want it to be like this for you.

Alice will always have a piece of my heart.

angie said...

Oh, Rach, I am so sorry to read this, but also, I understand. We are here if and when you need support and love. Whenever you need to write. Alice Buttons will always be remembered by us. With much love. XO.

Barbara said...

I want to say, "Don't go!!!" But of course you must do what feels right.

I'm here for you Rach, any time you need to say something, anything.

And Alice Buttons has a little piece of my heart too. As do you.


Lea said...

Whatever you need to do... you do. That's all we can do for ourselves. Just know that we will all be here for you if and when you decide to come back.

Paige said...

Rach, I just want you to know that I will remember Alice Buttons in a few years and in forever. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. xo

Poppy and Mei said...

Always remembered, Rach...always...XXxx.

Anonymous said...

I've been feeling this exact same way, Rach. Good luck and I'll always remember Alice Buttons. xo

Akul's mama said...

There are so many of us here who will remember Alice buttons. You have tod what is best for you. Hugsssss

Catherine said...

Well, I never met dear Alice, nor you, only through recent visits to your blog. It was just 5 minutes ago I was thinking how Alice Button's mum was, which brought me to your site again. People will remember, the most unlikliest of people too. I am terrible with anniversaries, often missing them, and I feel terrible for that. Yet I think of those people all the time, far more than once a year. Alice is most definitely remembered, and when I think of her, and you, it makes me want to run and hug my babies so hard. xx