Tuesday, February 10, 2009

its hard, for everyone...

I think there is a misunderstanding that because I have a daughter, loosing Alice is not as bad some how. People don't expect that I 'need' to talk about Alice because I am 'lucky' that I have Minnie. Yes, I am lucky. Not that I believe in luck. I am fortunate and I know this. Everyday I am reminded of what I have and what I have lost. I see Alice in Minnie... I know I could be one of the many women I know that struggle to get pregnant and struggle even harder to hold on to their babies. But, I am also sad and missing the girl I don't have with me.

I do imagine that loosing your first baby adds another layer of complexity to this awful time. When everything you imagined would happen doesn't happen.

Does having a child make it 'easier' when your baby dies? What a question. I don't know and I will never know as I have Minnie. I don't think it needs exploring or examining. I don't think I need too. What I know that it is sad for everyone. I know that my sweet friend with 7 children will tell that loosing her baby was devastating in every way, shape and form. And still is.

I am not for one minute saying that I am worse off ,or better off for that matter. I am just saying that its crap and I am sad and that I grieve Alice while I am being a mother to Minnie.

Loosing a baby is beyond awful. For anyone. Regardless.

I don't need to tell you all that.

9 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Don't examine it or explore it. I understand, even though I'm not where you are.

Barbara said...

Absolutely beyond awful. There is no easier here.

People make strange assumptions, each lost baby is an individual person to be grieved for and the level of that grief is not dependant on the number of siblings, and maybe, just maybe it's harder sometimes because you have to put on the happy mummy face for Minnie when you might be feeling sad.

xxx

ezra'smommy said...

I don't find the "which is worse" game a very useful one to play. Each of our losses is despairingly sad and tragic, no matter what the circumstances. I have often thought that I could not imagine parenting another child while going through this devastation...I can barely take care of myself, let alone another being.

Catherine said...

That always baffles me. Does this way of thinking mean I love my second child less than my first? My third even less? That's just crazy.

ezra'smommy said...

I've tagged you for an award...see my blog for details :)

Monique said...

Nothing easy about this whole journey and there isn't a hierarchy of grief.

And I've also tagged you for an Honest Scrap Award - see my blog for details. Have fun!

tiggy said...

Hugs Rach,

You are right it's not easy, no matter what.

Carly Marie said...

I'm with you on everything you wrote.

x

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I completely agree. It's awful no matter how you cut it. I have three living children. I am so incredibly grateful for them. But, my grief for E is still raw.
I wish I could say that living children simply erase grief. But, it just doesn't work that way. I love E as much as I love any of my children.