Louis Franz

I am not sure if anyone still follows this blog, this neglected blog. This blog that connected me to the amazing babylost mama's that have held me up over the last 1year and 8 months. This place is where I felt I was not alone on this most horrid of journeys. But from the horror of loosing Alice I have made some truly wonderful friends. And from the horror of loosing Alice, a new life has been made. On 8th May at 2.10pm Louis Franz rushed his way into this world. Our gorgeous boy. The boy that listened to my endless pleas that everything will be OK.

The joy of having Louis also brought a deep sadness, a longing for Alice. I guess that's how it will be. Happy/sad. More happy than sad but always, lurking not too far under my skin, will be a little bit of sadness.

sharing the news...

I found it, and at times, still find it very hard to tell people that I am pregnant. I didn't really know how to announce it and I apologise if I upset anyone by just blurting it out, in the very (photo) graphic way that I did.

I shared the news with a couple of people when I found out I was pregnant and that was it. I only told two of my best friends a couple of weeks ago. As I live a long way from them, it was easy to get away with it. I would have preferred to not tell my family until the baby was born but that was not possible. I didn't want to have to tell people that something had gone wrong. Because of Alice dying I didn't want to talk about it.

I didn't want to think about what may happen again.


We have had many extra scans and tests. Each of these has been a huge milestone. Panic and anxiety leading up to it, a brief moment of calm, and then more panic and anxiety as I wait for the next test. We have one more big one to go. One more and then we just have to wait. Waiting and waiting. So many minutes in the day in all that waiting. If only I could close my eyes and wake up at the end of April.

But if I did that, I wouldn't get to feel those lovely kicks and rolls and enjoy all those 'secret' moments, just the baby and I.

For many of you, one in particular, I know this is hard. I wish it was you, sharing your news with us. I think of you and send all my love and baby making vibes your way.

growing...

... a precious new life.

the end

I have come to the end of this blog. I think. I think that I have nothing more to say here. I have struggled with it of late as I really feel I can't write what I think or feel. There seem to be many things that I shouldn't say in fear of upsetting someone or saying the wrong thing.


Sometimes I feel isolated from this community, for many reasons. Sometimes it is too hard to be here. And while its to hard talk about Alice to people in the real world, sometimes its too hard to talk about all my children here in this community.

I will be always a bit different now. Forever changed. Holding your baby while she takes a tiny, gentle breaths in your arms and dies a few hours later will do that.

During this year, I have got to find out how badly people handle the death of a baby. How families and friends forget anniversaries. The days passing without a word. Nothing. I didn't want in depth phone calls or essays but, an sms or a card would have been enough. Or an email or a message. That would have meant something. I guess that in a few years, only a handful of people will remember Alice Buttons. And I shouldn't expect that they will remember her - their worlds didn't stop when she was born and died. She was their lunch time conversation or a pitying chat over coffee. To us she is our daughter, the one that didn't get the chance to grow and love and live. The daughter that will always be a tiny baby that died in my arms.


But during this year, I have got to find a whole community of women and men that have also had their hearts ripped from their chests and shoved back in, with big parts missing. I thank you all for your support and kindness over the last year. I will follow your journeys and hope that we all get a happy ending, one day.


I may be back. I may not. But thank you for being here with me.

one year

One year today that Alice Buttons was born. One year. One long year and sometimes, one short year. One year of thinking about her every day. One year of missing her every day. One year of mourning the life that we should have had with her.

One year in what will be a life time without her.

Thank you for remembering Alice Buttons today.

today

Today, one year ago we were getting ready for our 20 week scan. Today is the day that our lives changed forever.

I don't want to remember this week, the horrible days. I don't want to remember holding my husband, barely standing, leaving the OBs rooms, knowing that something was terribly, terribly wrong.

I don't want to remember this week but, I never want to forget our Alice Buttons.

the sweet boy...

I cannot understand or imagine. All I can do is sit and cry, cry for the sweet baby Jet and for his Mama and Papa.

Life can be shit, really shit.

Howling his name. Jet. Sweet Jet.