Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Really, I am (not) fine...

I am so tired to telling people I am fine.

For the most part I am fine. But some days you don't have to scratch too far to see that I am not.
I am tired of people saying things like 'I know how terrible this is for you' when they really have no idea how terrible this is. Unless they have a dead baby. Then they would know.

I have had family members die. My dear, sweet, beautiful friend died when we were 25. I know how it feels to loose someone.

But it doesn't prepare you for loosing a baby. A tiny 20 week old baby. A baby that lived for a little while and died while you held her. A baby that never got to be the little sister, never got to sleep on your chest, tired out from feeding, and never got feel the sun her face.

I am sad and angry and frustrated today. I don't want to hear about peoples plans to conceive or for them to ask when we are going to 'try again.' Like we failed the last time. Like we need to have another go at it to see if we can get it right this time.

I want to be the one making babies clothes and nappies and blankets. I don't want to be sitting here on the side reading about other people doing it.

Being sad and angry and frustrated is not what I had planned.

So far from it.

6 comments:

Carly said...

Dear Rach,

I have come here from Glow.

Nothing I could say would take away your pain. I just want you to know that I am sending you warm wishes. I understand some of your heart ache.

Be gentle to yourself.

With Much Love

Carly from Australia

Charlotte's Mama said...

Yes, you are right. You are absolutely not fine. Not one bit. It takes so long to feel any sort of fine, and I am wishing you strenghth and courage as you remember your little girl and figure out the ways in which you can move on with her.
With love,
Carol

ezra'smommy said...

nearly 3 months out i've completely given up telling people i'm fine...i'm not fine, i don't expect to be fine anytime soon. its odd but tho i feel no peace with losing ezra, i am at peace with feeling miserable.

so sorry your sweet baby is not in your arms where she belongs.

Poppy and Mei said...

I love ya Rach...XXxx

Alice said...

Thanks so much for your comment on my blog. It was really lovely to find it there. But it made my heart sink as well because I know the road your on and I don't want anyone to be on it. It is so, so hard. I have to spend all day saying, I'm fine. If I don't say that people back off. I just don't understand why, in apparently civilised societies, we don't have better mechanisms to deal with all this. Sending you all my love, Alice

Hope's Mama said...

I am most definitely not fine, and nor should you be. I'm so sorry. Thanks for the comment over at my place, too.
Sally