tiny

Yesterday I went to visit a tiny, baby girl. I waited until she was home as I am not ready to visit people in the same maternity hospital in which Alice was born and died.

She is perfect and small and perfect.

She slept in my arms for hours.

I cried a little.

I was happy for her family but I felt empty and sad on the inside.

I watched her asleep. I took photos.

And for a tiny, fleeting, fraction of a second I thought about taking her with me when I left.

honest scrap

Thank you to the wonderfully sweet Sarah and Monique for awarding me this. They both write so beautifully - I wish I could find the words that they do. And apologies that it has taken so long to respond. I think the award has done the rounds so I am not tagging anyone - join in though if you haven't.

Here goes;

1. I have a very short fuse (at times) and can fly off the handle over nothing.
2. I don't like tight underpants.
3. People assume I am far more organised than I actually am. They ask about my work and family and 'how do I do it?' Well I don't - my studio is a complete mess, I have orders waiting to be finished, a week or more of clean clothes are waiting to be put away, at least a days worth of dishes are on the sink most of the time... But I keep the bathroom clean...
4. I didn't drive until I was in my late 20's. Well I drove earlier but, I didn't get my licence.
5. I have lived in London, the US, travelled around the world but I have never been to the west coast of my home state - the tiny Island State... It’s only a 4-5 hour drive my home town and I have just never got there.
6. When I was young I pretended I was adopted from the Netherlands or the Czech Republic...
(I have 2 adopted sisters - one was born in Thailand, and the little one was born in Macau)
7. I have great ideas and plans but often they don't get any further than that.
8. I am terrible at keeping in contact with friends. Luckily they understand and are generally just as terrible. We love each other dearly though.
9. I accidentally left the hose on the pumpkins for 6 hours last week - for any locals they will know how naughty and illegal this is. There are very strict water restrictions in the eastern states of Australia.
10. I spend a lot of my waking time fantasising about home renovations.

its hard, for everyone...

I think there is a misunderstanding that because I have a daughter, loosing Alice is not as bad some how. People don't expect that I 'need' to talk about Alice because I am 'lucky' that I have Minnie. Yes, I am lucky. Not that I believe in luck. I am fortunate and I know this. Everyday I am reminded of what I have and what I have lost. I see Alice in Minnie... I know I could be one of the many women I know that struggle to get pregnant and struggle even harder to hold on to their babies. But, I am also sad and missing the girl I don't have with me.

I do imagine that loosing your first baby adds another layer of complexity to this awful time. When everything you imagined would happen doesn't happen.

Does having a child make it 'easier' when your baby dies? What a question. I don't know and I will never know as I have Minnie. I don't think it needs exploring or examining. I don't think I need too. What I know that it is sad for everyone. I know that my sweet friend with 7 children will tell that loosing her baby was devastating in every way, shape and form. And still is.

I am not for one minute saying that I am worse off ,or better off for that matter. I am just saying that its crap and I am sad and that I grieve Alice while I am being a mother to Minnie.

Loosing a baby is beyond awful. For anyone. Regardless.

I don't need to tell you all that.

explaining the unexplainable...

From the day Alice died we have been open and as honest as we can be with our daughter Minnie. We continue to explain that Alice Buttons was born too early and was too little and too sick to survive. We tell her that sometimes people die when they are little and there is nothing that we can do to stop this happening. We have read lots of books about animals and people dying. We have had conversations about all our loved ones that have died. Like her Opa and her Big Papa and my sweet friend Zoe and my dear Jackie's husband. And like all the other little babies that Alice is now friends with...

Minnie often talks about of Alice and plays games where Alice is the other 'character.' They play 'together' so sweetly in these games. Sometimes Alice is the little doll that Minnie carries around and tucks safely in bed. My heart is ever so heavy when I am sitting watching and listening to 'their' special games.

Several days ago Minnie caught me off guard when she asked if we could 'colour in this cardboard box to put Alice Buttons in the ground.' She was holding a little empty cardboard box and some pencils. Minnie understands that sometimes people die and are buried in the ground. I didn't know what to say to Minnie as Alice was cremated. I could not think of a way to explain this to a just turned 3 year old without terrifying her.

We coloured in the box and I wished that she wouldn't ask where Alice's little body was.

I never like to think about that.

dates...

Alice's due date was this week. 28th January.

I also miscarried a little baby at the end of January last year.

Minnie had her first day away from me at pre-school on 28th January.

This has not been an easy week.

So I cried and felt lonely and thought about all my babies that day. I drove and cried and busted a tyre on the gutter. So I sat and waited for the road side assist people and didn't cry so much. I came home and did housework like a whirlwind so I didn't have too much time to think.

Some beautiful friends sent flowers that I didn't expect. Flowers to remember Alice.

I should not be on this computer writing and reading. I should never have met you all. We should never have met each other. We should be doing very different things.

When Alice was born and died my dearest friend sent flowers and a card that said 'Sometimes life is Shit.'

She was right.

January

I knew this month would be bad. Of course is would. But once upon a time in a land far away January was going to be a wonderful month. It would have been the last few weeks of my pregnancy - I would have been big and round and hot and bothered. I would have spent a lot of time floating in the sea or the pool and sitting on the veranda in the sea breeze.

But you don't always get what you want. The Rolling Stones where right. You certainly don't.

I have a lot to write and I have nothing to write. I am not sure where I am with this. I am finding it hard to put down what I want. I am living in a parallel universe here. One blog is happy and shiny and the other blog is sad. So I think I will write here when I feel I can. I will visit you all often and email and post comments. I am not going. I need you all too much for that.

So January. I don't think it will ever be the same. My eldest daughter turned 3 on the 4th January and my other daughter, my baby, should have been born on the 28th. The month with a happy beginning and a sad end. That's how it goes. Happy and Sad.

I wonder if there will be some more happy?

back home...

We are back. I am happy that we are back here. The weather is lovely and somehow this makes me feel that this new year ahead will be a good one. A good one for all of us. With good things to look forward to and good things to celebrate. I know there will be happiness for all of us, in same way, whatever way that may be. Happiness and sadness at the same time. I guess this is how things will be for a long, long time.

Things went well. Not much talk about Alice. And sometimes I like that. I like to keep her for myself. Of course I want people to think of her and how sad her death is but sometimes I like to keep her all to myself - she is mine and sometimes I am like a spoiled child and I don't want to share her. Odd, I know. But that's how it is.

And sometimes I want to share her and sing her name from the roof tops. But that is for me to decide. I don't like being forced to talk about how I feel.

I thought about Alice as I watched Minnie play with her cousins and felt sad that Alice will never get to play with them. She wont get to play at my childhood home in the country. She won't get to sneak to the enormous gardens and pick raspberries and strawberries hot from the sun.

I am not religious or overly spiritual but you know, I think somewhere Alice will be with her new friends. Her most special friends that I can't meet, not until one day in the distant future... She will be with Ezra and Hope and Sam and George and Douglas and William and Ciaran and all the other babies that couldn't stay here.

I see their photos and hear their stories and feel their mothers pain and grief and anguish. They don't have their Mama's but I am sure they have each other.

I wish you all much love in 2009 and I am thankful that we have each other too...