8th August

I remember the 8th August, 2008. I was about 16 weeks pregnant with Alice. Happy that I no longer felt ill and that I had some energy back. So pleased I was past the 'scary' 12 weeks. Organising the purchase of our house. Counting down the days to spring and summer and until our baby was here. I remember that the Olympics were starting that night and I know I fell asleep well before they were on.

What I didn't know was that on the day some one's life was being changed forever. As I went throughout the day I had no idea that Monique, thousands of miles away, was giving birth to her beautiful son. Her beautiful son Samuel that had died. I had no idea of the pain and suffering and immense loss that Monique and Norm were going through on this day.

I found Monique not long after Alice had died. I read and cried. I still read and cry. I needed to be close to other women that knew how I felt and understood me. I needed them so I didn't feel so alone.

The way Monique writes about her Sam and her life and her loss resonates with me. I missed her when she was away and I was pleased when she returned. I thank her for being so honest and raw and for being a true friend from the other side of the world. I thank her for remembering Alice.

I wish that we had never met.

But now that we have, I will always be here.

lost mama

I recently had a email from a babylost mama. She found my blog and wrote to thank me for sharing my experience. And she told me about hers. Still very raw and new, she is feeling lost and alone in a country far from her home. People don't want to talk about her baby. No support or counselling was offered. 'They' didn't think it was a good idea for her to hold her precious baby. I could feel her intense pain and loneliness and anger through her writing. I cried thinking about her birth experience and about how she felt so alone.

I wrote to her and told her that she is not alone, that we are here and the we understand. We really understand. I told her that we will talk about her baby with her and scream with her and sometimes hate the world with her.

I told her we would take care of her.

I have not heard back. I need to know that she is OK. Not OK, as no-one here is 'OK' but you know what I mean.

If you are there, please just let me know how you are going.

You are not alone, even though at times you feel such an indescribable loneliness.

We are here with you on this awful journey.

January

I knew this month would be bad. Of course is would. But once upon a time in a land far away January was going to be a wonderful month. It would have been the last few weeks of my pregnancy - I would have been big and round and hot and bothered. I would have spent a lot of time floating in the sea or the pool and sitting on the veranda in the sea breeze.

But you don't always get what you want. The Rolling Stones where right. You certainly don't.

I have a lot to write and I have nothing to write. I am not sure where I am with this. I am finding it hard to put down what I want. I am living in a parallel universe here. One blog is happy and shiny and the other blog is sad. So I think I will write here when I feel I can. I will visit you all often and email and post comments. I am not going. I need you all too much for that.

So January. I don't think it will ever be the same. My eldest daughter turned 3 on the 4th January and my other daughter, my baby, should have been born on the 28th. The month with a happy beginning and a sad end. That's how it goes. Happy and Sad.

I wonder if there will be some more happy?