its hard, for everyone...

I think there is a misunderstanding that because I have a daughter, loosing Alice is not as bad some how. People don't expect that I 'need' to talk about Alice because I am 'lucky' that I have Minnie. Yes, I am lucky. Not that I believe in luck. I am fortunate and I know this. Everyday I am reminded of what I have and what I have lost. I see Alice in Minnie... I know I could be one of the many women I know that struggle to get pregnant and struggle even harder to hold on to their babies. But, I am also sad and missing the girl I don't have with me.

I do imagine that loosing your first baby adds another layer of complexity to this awful time. When everything you imagined would happen doesn't happen.

Does having a child make it 'easier' when your baby dies? What a question. I don't know and I will never know as I have Minnie. I don't think it needs exploring or examining. I don't think I need too. What I know that it is sad for everyone. I know that my sweet friend with 7 children will tell that loosing her baby was devastating in every way, shape and form. And still is.

I am not for one minute saying that I am worse off ,or better off for that matter. I am just saying that its crap and I am sad and that I grieve Alice while I am being a mother to Minnie.

Loosing a baby is beyond awful. For anyone. Regardless.

I don't need to tell you all that.

explaining the unexplainable...

From the day Alice died we have been open and as honest as we can be with our daughter Minnie. We continue to explain that Alice Buttons was born too early and was too little and too sick to survive. We tell her that sometimes people die when they are little and there is nothing that we can do to stop this happening. We have read lots of books about animals and people dying. We have had conversations about all our loved ones that have died. Like her Opa and her Big Papa and my sweet friend Zoe and my dear Jackie's husband. And like all the other little babies that Alice is now friends with...

Minnie often talks about of Alice and plays games where Alice is the other 'character.' They play 'together' so sweetly in these games. Sometimes Alice is the little doll that Minnie carries around and tucks safely in bed. My heart is ever so heavy when I am sitting watching and listening to 'their' special games.

Several days ago Minnie caught me off guard when she asked if we could 'colour in this cardboard box to put Alice Buttons in the ground.' She was holding a little empty cardboard box and some pencils. Minnie understands that sometimes people die and are buried in the ground. I didn't know what to say to Minnie as Alice was cremated. I could not think of a way to explain this to a just turned 3 year old without terrifying her.

We coloured in the box and I wished that she wouldn't ask where Alice's little body was.

I never like to think about that.

I am lucky...

I am lucky to have a daughter - an almost 3 year old daughter. I know that most of my new friends who have lost babies lost their first child. I know that loosing a baby is devastating but imagine that loosing your first is the end of the world. I just wanted to acknowledge that.

This year has been a bad year, a bad year for babies. I had a miscarriage at the end of January. I was about 7 - 8 weeks pregnant. It was sad. We waited for a few months and then I was pregnant again. Excited, nervous, cautious. I love being pregnant and with Minnie I had a glorious tummy and loved every second of it. With Alice it was no different. I started to show early and was in maternity trousers by 12 weeks. Part of me was always worried though - I had some early bleeding and after the miscarriage, I always thought the worst. I was anxious about the 12 weeks scan. We got to see our baby and I relaxed a little. But there was a problem - they told me that the nuchal measurement was high and coupled with my age, it wasn't great. I spent the night worried, thinking the worst, wishing for the best. The next day I spoke to my OB - all was fine as the blood tests showed nothing to worry about. I have never felt so relieved and happy and excited. Now we told our family and friends about Buttons.

The next 8 weeks went smoothly - growing tummy, moving baby and a very interested toddler. Minnie talked about Buttons a lot and we got some lovely books about babies. She patted my tummy and talked to the baby. My husband travels overseas a lot for work just got back before the 19/20 week scan. Again I was nervous - I am a worrier. I was so relieved to see her on the scan (not that we knew she was a she). But that relief didn't last long.

The next few days are not days I want to think about too much. Then I was in labour. Giving birth to to a baby that would die. A baby that was too small and too sick to survive.

When Alice was born and died we had someone little to come home to. Someone that had never met the baby sister that she had. We had to explain about life and death to a 2 year old. We had to talk about it often and at length, whenever she asked. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But I had some one's little arms to hug me. I am lucky, I know.

I hope that one day you have some little arms to hug you.