the days disapear

I have been feeling like that days are going so fast, disappearing before my eyes. It feels like it is always the weekend again and I am not sure where the week went. I have even started to feel panicked about it, like I am losing my control over time.


I was telling my friend, who is a true friend, and she said that when she has a deadline (she is a writer and editor) or when something is approaching, she feels like that too. It took me a minute but then I realised that something is approaching. Of course I had not forgotten, I think about it all the time. But I think though I had forgotten how losing Alice Buttons effects my subconscious, my dreams and my everyday.


I may not talk about Alice all the time, or write about her all the time but, she is the person that effects my day, my thinking, my dreams and my time.

dark corners

11 months ago things were all going pretty well. We had signed the contracts on our new house, our baby was growing well, our Minnie was a bubbly 2 1/2 year old, entertaining us with her antics. You never know what is just around the corner, do you? You don't know what is there, waiting to show itself.

There are always these things, just around the corner, dark things waiting to crawl out and consume you whole. Last week the most evil of dark things crept out in a place close to my heart. In my little country home town an old school friend was found murdered. His family have been our family friends since before we were all born and our sisters are still good friends. He was a well loved man, quiet, devoted father, and a wonderful son. At this stage their are no answers for his family about why this happened. When I first heard the news, I didn't know he had been murdered - I just knew he had died. I was deeply sad that someone my age, someone with a little girl, had died.

Then I thought about his mother. His sweet mother who nursed him as a baby, loved and cherished him, was now with out him in such a brutal, terrifying way. Her life will never be the same.

Those things lurking in dark corners are never far away...

8th August

I remember the 8th August, 2008. I was about 16 weeks pregnant with Alice. Happy that I no longer felt ill and that I had some energy back. So pleased I was past the 'scary' 12 weeks. Organising the purchase of our house. Counting down the days to spring and summer and until our baby was here. I remember that the Olympics were starting that night and I know I fell asleep well before they were on.

What I didn't know was that on the day some one's life was being changed forever. As I went throughout the day I had no idea that Monique, thousands of miles away, was giving birth to her beautiful son. Her beautiful son Samuel that had died. I had no idea of the pain and suffering and immense loss that Monique and Norm were going through on this day.

I found Monique not long after Alice had died. I read and cried. I still read and cry. I needed to be close to other women that knew how I felt and understood me. I needed them so I didn't feel so alone.

The way Monique writes about her Sam and her life and her loss resonates with me. I missed her when she was away and I was pleased when she returned. I thank her for being so honest and raw and for being a true friend from the other side of the world. I thank her for remembering Alice.

I wish that we had never met.

But now that we have, I will always be here.

august

For so many of my friends in this community, August is a month that they will never forget.

For me August means that September is almost here. For then it will mean that 12 months have passed. 12 months since our lives changed for ever.

And they have changed.

Changed from the course it should have taken. We should have a 7 month old baby girl named Alice. A little sister for Minnie. Rosie, chubby cheeks covered in apples or prunes or pureed carrot. A big gummy smile. We would be happy that our family was complete. But, that's not the way it is. And that's not the way it can ever be.

And we keep on mourning what could have been, what should have been and what never will be.

happy/sad

I know I have written about this often before, here and in emails or letters.

Happy/sad.

That strange contradiction that my life has become. I don't think some people get it, the new found ability to be really happy and really sad at the same time. I am sure I did it before Alice died but, my life didn't call for it often.


Some people get this happy/sad thing and others tip toe around. Like when new babies are born or when women are pregnant. Yes I am so happy for them and yes, at the same time I am sad for me. All at the same time. I can be happy. Babies and pregnancies are things to be happy about. But for me and for all of you reading this, babies and pregnancies are also things to be sad about, sad beyond imagination. For my dear, sweet friends that are now pregnant, I know you understand this. See we are always happy and sad. Happy doesn't take away all the sad and sad never takes away all the happy. Even on the darkest days, there are still many things that I have to be happy about.


And when I thought that this journey was hard enough, little hurdles keep cropping up. Some hurdles I don't really want to go into here because I know that people will fuss and bother. Although I do happy/sad well, I don't cope with fuss and bother. I really don't.

some days

Some days I can see a baby or a pregnant woman and not feel sad.
And some days when I see baby or a pregnant woman I want to scream and yell and cry.

There are days when I want to tell everyone I see that I do, in fact, have 2 daughters.
And there are days when I don't want to ever have to explain why there I only have one daughter with me.

There are times when I can think about Alice without crying.
There are times when I try not to think about Alice because I am already crying too much.

Some days I can't believe that Alice died last year and that soon, it will be 1 year since her birth and death. Other days I am in that room, that room of life and death, watching Alice take her first and her last few little breaths.

Most days I wonder how cruel life can be. How cruel it has been to so many of us. How cruel it continues to be.

I wonder how I got here. Without Alice. With another pregnancy eluding us. Each month that passes, the arrival of another reminder that life is cruel.

Some days I wonder how we all keep moving forward.

And some days I smile. Some days with joy and I think some days with insanity. But its a smile.

Shirley

My husband's Nana died on Tuesday. She was Minnie's (little) Big Nana, my Shirley and Mummy to her daughters. She had been a wife. She was a friend to everyone. She was a nurse and a teacher. She was a delight. She was wonderful company. She was funny and smart and nothing got past her. She loved candied ginger. She was not a big fan of chocolate. She was sweet and genuine and entertaining. She hated cooking, She didn't drive. She had travelled the world. She was well read. She knitted a little. She loved tea. She loved crime fiction and hated romance novels. She loved the Impressionists and a good film.

She will be missed by everyone for ever.